You never know when something might trigger a problem with this unhealed brain that I have. We've found that the dosage one of my medications had become toxic. I was hallucinating and had become confused often, especially when I was waking up in the morning.
First, we change how many times a day I take my medicine, nothing. Then we change the dosage and keep taking it 3 times and day. And, he wants to change the other medicine dropping the dosage. I say okay. Then after I hang up the phone, tell my husband the plan, it was as if my head spun around like Reagan in the exorcist and I tell my husband in a very mean voice, I refuse to do anything. I will not change the dosage, I will go back to how I was taking it and I will especially not change the latest dosage of the second medication. I was very angry at everything. I felt it was a guessing game and I was tired of guessing. Let me say again, this happened in the space of 5 minutes. Brains are funny organs! Remember the brain controls everything and when it is "in a mood" look out people!!
My husband very calmly, tells me to go take a shower and think everything over. I do so. In the shower I decide I am going to take some control over this medicine guessing game. I come out, apologize for my outburst, and tell him I will go down on the dosage of the first medicine, but, I refuse to do the change in dosage of the second medicine. He very calmly says it makes sense not to change two things at once. By changing one of the medications we will know if that was the problem or not. Then we will know if we need to make the other change or not. Victory! I have some say in this madness. The next day I call my doctor's office and tell the nurse to note on my chart I refuse to change the dosage of the second medication. She is a little surprised, I think my doctor just decided not to call me back and discuss it because he knows Darren is here and if necessary the change will be made whether I like it or not. Especially since I can't even fill my own medicine container because I get confused. Oh well, go me I got one small victory.
Fast forward to last Saturday, May 24th 2014.
Trying to be supportive spouse, we decide it would be okay for me to go to dinner with Darren. It was at his manager's home and there were only going to be 7 people, no problem right? How wrong could we have been.
The woman left the steaks in her car over night, was just going to serve us salad, asparagus, baked potatoes and the appetizer. (no one ate that by the way, except she fixed me a plate and I was stuck. It was nasty) Thank God daughter convinced her that was not a good idea, plus the daughter doesn't like vegetables. Long story short, the woman starts to sear the steaks, doesn't turn on the exhaust and the smoke alarm goes off! Hello me. No earplugs, I'm startled and looking for Darren in this tiny apartment. I am so confused, she waves a towel at the detector and someone sits at the apartment door to keep it wide open and let the smoke out.
My speech and patience are gone. Of course the seizures want to come and I am trying so hard to appear as if I can handle it. Yes I had trouble. My brain was slow to process things like walk across the room to the table etc. What a nightmare! And I am worried about embarrassing my husband.
I have spend Sunday, Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday with slurry speech, processing issues and exhaustion. It will take awhile to recover. I know I will because I will work hard to do so. This time, when I woke up Sunday morning, I didn't think I wanted to even try.
Life had been going so well for so long I got tricked into thinking I could venture out farther and expand my comfort zone. Now I am back to being a hermit. I do walk 4 miles each morning with my neighbor, that helps me a lot. It will help with my speech. If I talk slowly it's not as slurry, she understands that it may take me time to think what I want to say and then say it.
I just never know when my brain will be attacked. That's how I look at too much noise, and that damn smoke alarm. They are attacks on my sense of normalcy. I would like to attend functions with my husband and children. I have already missed too many awards nights, (will miss another tonight) and dinners. The first question my family asks is, "will it be too noisy, do we think mom can go?" They love me so much and are always looking out for me.
I guess I will work my brain back the best it can be and I will adjust my medicines, that's what this blog really is all about. There's hope for those of us that live with traumatic brain injuries and we should keep pushing forward.
Two steps forward, three steps back. I have started my two steps forward again. Anyone reading this who is having similar frustrations, take the two steps forward with me.
No promise on grammar. Just forget about it ;-)
