I forget, did I mention my set back a few weeks ago? I think I did, and the fact that I just wanted to give up trying to rehab my brain. Yesterday was the Fourth of July. I don't begrudge anyone their fireworks, sparklers etc., however, for me it is the longest night after New Year's Eve.
I shared a Facebook post yesterday, it showed a vet standing with a sign saying something like, please be considerate of you local vets when using your fireworks today. People don't think about the effects it would have on any military veteran, they may be living with Post Traumatic Stress and fireworks could bring flash backs and cause tremendous stress. Well, that is true for me too. I was sitting on my patio with family and the first firework went off, of course we were all caught of guard, but hey, it's the Fourth of July so our conversation kept going. Then the second one, uh oh, my brain went into shutdown mode. I lost concentration and my brain's processing skills started to shut down. My speech began to slur and my family gave up the pleasant evening on the patio to go inside so I could still visit with them.
My husband's cousin Terri was visiting with her husband Keith and their son Miles. Terri is a physician and she immediately noticed the effects because I was talking to her and my speech went slurry. The look of slight fear, yet love on their faces meant a lot to me, I was trying to push my way through the noise so we could enjoy being outside, it just didn't work and they were not going to allow me to regress for something that could easily be stopped by just going inside away from the noise. I offered to get my earplugs so we could stay out there, but each time a "pop" went off I got worse.
One minute I appear to be just like everyone else and the next minute, because of a noise, my brain went into shutdown mode. For Terri and her family I believe it shocked them how quickly it happened. The positive note is that once we got inside within a few minutes I was okay. She was complimenting me on how much better I looked from the last time they saw me, and then she saw how quickly things can go wrong.
Yes, I have recovered so very much and I am grateful I was able to work hard to achieve this level of functionality. (is that a word?) I also understand how quickly I can lose it. So what do you say when people say you are doing so well, especially since the last time I saw you?( that's a killer statement too, because gee, how bad was I the last time I saw you? Or, I might not even remember when I saw you last!) For all you know I just spent 3 days sleeping and doing nothing that required concentration because a smoke alarm went off and I didn't even know what "Cheryl, let's sit down right here", meant? I don't even know where that last sentence started and so forget about the correct grammar. Note: this is intended especially for my daughter the English Major who is probably the only one who reads these since she was the one who encouraged me to write down my thoughts. I don't think she will read this one thought, because is studying abroad and has other more fun things to do.
Well, I got up early this morning to check my son in for his trip tomorrow then something told me to jot down a few thoughts. Now you have the benefit of my ramblings and what I wanted you to know. If you take away anything I hope it is to just be considerate of others if you know they are living with some condition that is invisible and you know some of your actions, loud music, fireworks etc. may cause them problems. I had a neighbor that got "pissed" her word not mine New Year's Eve because she said we asked her to turn her music down. Okay, neither my husband nor I remember calling their house and complaining yet she and her husband harbored that anger for six months, really? They know my struggles, hell she took me to the hospital from the side of the road. And you know what? Her damn music was probably too loud if she says someone, oh wait me, called and asked for it to be turned down. This is a quiet neighborhood, people have parties with music, if you want to blast it use the lodge we have available. Seniors live all around both of our houses bet they didn't want to hear it either. So, thank you to whoever called and asked them to turn the music down because I probably wanted to and Darren stopped me. I think she said they had it on inside and after midnight they put it on outside too.
Lost my train of thought, I was just going to sign off and quit writing. I think after I spell check I will post this blog, I hope it gives someone food for thought.
Saturday, July 5, 2014
Wednesday, June 11, 2014
The Mama Bear: If I could I would take the test and ace it.
I want my son to have the ACT score he dreams of for applications to colleges. I want to help him the best way I know how. I don't believe in paying thousands of dollars for classes, we did pay for a tutor for math only to find he really knows what he is doing. I believe the classes where you sit for four hours for weeks on end and review, taking 4 practice tests during that time are a great idea if you want to drop $2000 at a minimum with no guarantees. I can afford that, but I won't do it. And what about the kids who can't?
I know my son has this thing about tests, especially the ones people put so much emphasis on. He wants to do well, but, he scares himself into believing he just can't do it. It is not true. He is truly a smart boy and can compete with the best of them.
For example, when he needed to ace a final to get a B in Geometry just to stay in Advance Placement classes, he studied hard and did it. Second case in point, he was so close to a C in Physics this year he really needed to do well on the test and last few projects in order to earn his B without taking the final, he did that too. So what is it about this ACT? He is missing the easy answers when he studies at home, and sees that when he reviews it. He second guesses himself when he is not sure and gets it wrong. I just now told him, your brain gives you the right answer the first time, 9 times out of 10 when you are guessing and he told me he noticed that when he was checking answers. He could see where he erased his first guess and put the second one which was wrong.
Where do I come in? I search all over the internet to find study tools to help him, I helped him take a practice test, timed as if he were there. What I noticed? He really doesn't want to focus so hard, he hates tests.
My advice, this is one of the most important tests for him right now and he has to study and then go into testing with focus and a positive attitude. Will he listen to me? I don't know. I want so much for him to get a great score, he did well the first time but wasn't happy, so I want this one to be the one that he says, "okay, I wanted to be in this range."
I can't make that happen, can just give the tools and encourage from the sidelines. Isn't that hard? I want him to have the same determination I use when I am trying to recover from setbacks with this brain injury and I wish he would use my hard work as an example.
I can only wish, encourage, test, and pray when he goes into this test on Saturday. I hope he finally got the lesson that if he can pull a B in Geometry and a B in Physics through hard work and determination, he can achieve the highest score he has set for himself on this test.
I don't want him to be disappointed, that is life you know, but, we moms we try to always catch our babies before they scrap their knee. Not a big "boo boo", but you just don't want them to have one at all.
The lesson is in the letting go and he has to prepare with all the tools at his disposal if he so chooses. You can't help someone focus on a test, especially not this one. It is up to him to put his eye on the prize and go for it.
God help me. Saturday thru the day the results arrive will be some of the longest days of my life.
I know my son has this thing about tests, especially the ones people put so much emphasis on. He wants to do well, but, he scares himself into believing he just can't do it. It is not true. He is truly a smart boy and can compete with the best of them.
For example, when he needed to ace a final to get a B in Geometry just to stay in Advance Placement classes, he studied hard and did it. Second case in point, he was so close to a C in Physics this year he really needed to do well on the test and last few projects in order to earn his B without taking the final, he did that too. So what is it about this ACT? He is missing the easy answers when he studies at home, and sees that when he reviews it. He second guesses himself when he is not sure and gets it wrong. I just now told him, your brain gives you the right answer the first time, 9 times out of 10 when you are guessing and he told me he noticed that when he was checking answers. He could see where he erased his first guess and put the second one which was wrong.
Where do I come in? I search all over the internet to find study tools to help him, I helped him take a practice test, timed as if he were there. What I noticed? He really doesn't want to focus so hard, he hates tests.
My advice, this is one of the most important tests for him right now and he has to study and then go into testing with focus and a positive attitude. Will he listen to me? I don't know. I want so much for him to get a great score, he did well the first time but wasn't happy, so I want this one to be the one that he says, "okay, I wanted to be in this range."
I can't make that happen, can just give the tools and encourage from the sidelines. Isn't that hard? I want him to have the same determination I use when I am trying to recover from setbacks with this brain injury and I wish he would use my hard work as an example.
I can only wish, encourage, test, and pray when he goes into this test on Saturday. I hope he finally got the lesson that if he can pull a B in Geometry and a B in Physics through hard work and determination, he can achieve the highest score he has set for himself on this test.
I don't want him to be disappointed, that is life you know, but, we moms we try to always catch our babies before they scrap their knee. Not a big "boo boo", but you just don't want them to have one at all.
The lesson is in the letting go and he has to prepare with all the tools at his disposal if he so chooses. You can't help someone focus on a test, especially not this one. It is up to him to put his eye on the prize and go for it.
God help me. Saturday thru the day the results arrive will be some of the longest days of my life.
Wednesday, May 28, 2014
Two Steps Forward, Three Steps Back
You never know when something might trigger a problem with this unhealed brain that I have. We've found that the dosage one of my medications had become toxic. I was hallucinating and had become confused often, especially when I was waking up in the morning.
First, we change how many times a day I take my medicine, nothing. Then we change the dosage and keep taking it 3 times and day. And, he wants to change the other medicine dropping the dosage. I say okay. Then after I hang up the phone, tell my husband the plan, it was as if my head spun around like Reagan in the exorcist and I tell my husband in a very mean voice, I refuse to do anything. I will not change the dosage, I will go back to how I was taking it and I will especially not change the latest dosage of the second medication. I was very angry at everything. I felt it was a guessing game and I was tired of guessing. Let me say again, this happened in the space of 5 minutes. Brains are funny organs! Remember the brain controls everything and when it is "in a mood" look out people!!
My husband very calmly, tells me to go take a shower and think everything over. I do so. In the shower I decide I am going to take some control over this medicine guessing game. I come out, apologize for my outburst, and tell him I will go down on the dosage of the first medicine, but, I refuse to do the change in dosage of the second medicine. He very calmly says it makes sense not to change two things at once. By changing one of the medications we will know if that was the problem or not. Then we will know if we need to make the other change or not. Victory! I have some say in this madness. The next day I call my doctor's office and tell the nurse to note on my chart I refuse to change the dosage of the second medication. She is a little surprised, I think my doctor just decided not to call me back and discuss it because he knows Darren is here and if necessary the change will be made whether I like it or not. Especially since I can't even fill my own medicine container because I get confused. Oh well, go me I got one small victory.
Fast forward to last Saturday, May 24th 2014.
Trying to be supportive spouse, we decide it would be okay for me to go to dinner with Darren. It was at his manager's home and there were only going to be 7 people, no problem right? How wrong could we have been.
The woman left the steaks in her car over night, was just going to serve us salad, asparagus, baked potatoes and the appetizer. (no one ate that by the way, except she fixed me a plate and I was stuck. It was nasty) Thank God daughter convinced her that was not a good idea, plus the daughter doesn't like vegetables. Long story short, the woman starts to sear the steaks, doesn't turn on the exhaust and the smoke alarm goes off! Hello me. No earplugs, I'm startled and looking for Darren in this tiny apartment. I am so confused, she waves a towel at the detector and someone sits at the apartment door to keep it wide open and let the smoke out.
My speech and patience are gone. Of course the seizures want to come and I am trying so hard to appear as if I can handle it. Yes I had trouble. My brain was slow to process things like walk across the room to the table etc. What a nightmare! And I am worried about embarrassing my husband.
I have spend Sunday, Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday with slurry speech, processing issues and exhaustion. It will take awhile to recover. I know I will because I will work hard to do so. This time, when I woke up Sunday morning, I didn't think I wanted to even try.
Life had been going so well for so long I got tricked into thinking I could venture out farther and expand my comfort zone. Now I am back to being a hermit. I do walk 4 miles each morning with my neighbor, that helps me a lot. It will help with my speech. If I talk slowly it's not as slurry, she understands that it may take me time to think what I want to say and then say it.
I just never know when my brain will be attacked. That's how I look at too much noise, and that damn smoke alarm. They are attacks on my sense of normalcy. I would like to attend functions with my husband and children. I have already missed too many awards nights, (will miss another tonight) and dinners. The first question my family asks is, "will it be too noisy, do we think mom can go?" They love me so much and are always looking out for me.
I guess I will work my brain back the best it can be and I will adjust my medicines, that's what this blog really is all about. There's hope for those of us that live with traumatic brain injuries and we should keep pushing forward.
Two steps forward, three steps back. I have started my two steps forward again. Anyone reading this who is having similar frustrations, take the two steps forward with me.
No promise on grammar. Just forget about it ;-)
First, we change how many times a day I take my medicine, nothing. Then we change the dosage and keep taking it 3 times and day. And, he wants to change the other medicine dropping the dosage. I say okay. Then after I hang up the phone, tell my husband the plan, it was as if my head spun around like Reagan in the exorcist and I tell my husband in a very mean voice, I refuse to do anything. I will not change the dosage, I will go back to how I was taking it and I will especially not change the latest dosage of the second medication. I was very angry at everything. I felt it was a guessing game and I was tired of guessing. Let me say again, this happened in the space of 5 minutes. Brains are funny organs! Remember the brain controls everything and when it is "in a mood" look out people!!
My husband very calmly, tells me to go take a shower and think everything over. I do so. In the shower I decide I am going to take some control over this medicine guessing game. I come out, apologize for my outburst, and tell him I will go down on the dosage of the first medicine, but, I refuse to do the change in dosage of the second medicine. He very calmly says it makes sense not to change two things at once. By changing one of the medications we will know if that was the problem or not. Then we will know if we need to make the other change or not. Victory! I have some say in this madness. The next day I call my doctor's office and tell the nurse to note on my chart I refuse to change the dosage of the second medication. She is a little surprised, I think my doctor just decided not to call me back and discuss it because he knows Darren is here and if necessary the change will be made whether I like it or not. Especially since I can't even fill my own medicine container because I get confused. Oh well, go me I got one small victory.
Fast forward to last Saturday, May 24th 2014.
Trying to be supportive spouse, we decide it would be okay for me to go to dinner with Darren. It was at his manager's home and there were only going to be 7 people, no problem right? How wrong could we have been.
The woman left the steaks in her car over night, was just going to serve us salad, asparagus, baked potatoes and the appetizer. (no one ate that by the way, except she fixed me a plate and I was stuck. It was nasty) Thank God daughter convinced her that was not a good idea, plus the daughter doesn't like vegetables. Long story short, the woman starts to sear the steaks, doesn't turn on the exhaust and the smoke alarm goes off! Hello me. No earplugs, I'm startled and looking for Darren in this tiny apartment. I am so confused, she waves a towel at the detector and someone sits at the apartment door to keep it wide open and let the smoke out.
My speech and patience are gone. Of course the seizures want to come and I am trying so hard to appear as if I can handle it. Yes I had trouble. My brain was slow to process things like walk across the room to the table etc. What a nightmare! And I am worried about embarrassing my husband.
I have spend Sunday, Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday with slurry speech, processing issues and exhaustion. It will take awhile to recover. I know I will because I will work hard to do so. This time, when I woke up Sunday morning, I didn't think I wanted to even try.
Life had been going so well for so long I got tricked into thinking I could venture out farther and expand my comfort zone. Now I am back to being a hermit. I do walk 4 miles each morning with my neighbor, that helps me a lot. It will help with my speech. If I talk slowly it's not as slurry, she understands that it may take me time to think what I want to say and then say it.
I just never know when my brain will be attacked. That's how I look at too much noise, and that damn smoke alarm. They are attacks on my sense of normalcy. I would like to attend functions with my husband and children. I have already missed too many awards nights, (will miss another tonight) and dinners. The first question my family asks is, "will it be too noisy, do we think mom can go?" They love me so much and are always looking out for me.
I guess I will work my brain back the best it can be and I will adjust my medicines, that's what this blog really is all about. There's hope for those of us that live with traumatic brain injuries and we should keep pushing forward.
Two steps forward, three steps back. I have started my two steps forward again. Anyone reading this who is having similar frustrations, take the two steps forward with me.
No promise on grammar. Just forget about it ;-)
Monday, April 7, 2014
I Promised Pet Cemetery Kinda. How about the burial of our family friend, my shadow Midnight
We miss our dog Midnight who died of unknown causes at the age of 10 during the winter months. Exact date, somewhere in the recesses of my mind.
I am writing this blog after a very full day and having taken my medicine for the night. I am sedated, tired and my vision is blurry. I felt this was important to get off my mind and also to share with those who would understand the death of a beloved pet is very hard.
I have a four page document just for our family as a memory of the day I buried him, this is the shortened version I used for Facebook, the sentiment is still the same just edited.
I will just say my heart is here in this blog. I called Midnight "Mr. Magic". He was my shadow, he was my best friend and no matter how mad I got he saw the best there was in me. Who could as for anything more.
He would not let you near me in this house, he made sure he could see every entryway to wherever I was, and if i was sick in bed he laid across the doorway as if to say, "you have to go through me to get to her, and don't event try it". He knew my moods, he knew when I looked at him what it I wanted and sometimes he would challenge me. In the end I picked up our Labrador Retriever and stretched out with him in a recliner wrapped in a blanket, just because I wanted him to really know I loved him as much as he loved me.
What you have here is the last bit of love I could show to my Mr. Magic, Harrison's best friend, Midnight King.
He is missed, and, will forever be in our hearts.
Yesterday Harrison placed Midnight's red bandanna on his grave. The bandanna marks Midnight's final resting place. After a long winter's wait he was buried a week ago. When Harrison said he didn't want to be there for the burial I decided it was time. I went down to the woods behind our house, tripped over tree roots, crossed a creek, and got slapped by tree branches until I found that peaceful spot. I dug his grave so deep I hit water. Now I went back to get his body. I had to roll the container through the house from the deck. (Don't ask) Princess was outside as I came off the porch. The lid came open a tiny bit. At that moment she knew it was him. We walked together to the woods. As I entered the woods she was gone. Disappeared. I did what I had to do to get the container to the burial spot. (He was heavy!) I lowered him carefully into his grave, covered him up and marked his spot with a cross. As I turned to leave, there was Princess, sitting at attention looking very regal. She waited for me to come out of the woods and walked that long walk up the hill to the house with me, step by step. I cleaned the mud off my boots and pants from the many times I had fallen while digging the grave. Then I looked at my coat and realized I was wearing the very same barn coat I used when I was training the dogs when they were puppies. The coat was muddy too, but, I didn't care. A week went by before I told Darren and Harrison what I had done. I asked Harrison if he would like come with me to the grave site and place the bandanna on it. We went down together and honored our friend.
I am writing this blog after a very full day and having taken my medicine for the night. I am sedated, tired and my vision is blurry. I felt this was important to get off my mind and also to share with those who would understand the death of a beloved pet is very hard.
I have a four page document just for our family as a memory of the day I buried him, this is the shortened version I used for Facebook, the sentiment is still the same just edited.
I will just say my heart is here in this blog. I called Midnight "Mr. Magic". He was my shadow, he was my best friend and no matter how mad I got he saw the best there was in me. Who could as for anything more.
He would not let you near me in this house, he made sure he could see every entryway to wherever I was, and if i was sick in bed he laid across the doorway as if to say, "you have to go through me to get to her, and don't event try it". He knew my moods, he knew when I looked at him what it I wanted and sometimes he would challenge me. In the end I picked up our Labrador Retriever and stretched out with him in a recliner wrapped in a blanket, just because I wanted him to really know I loved him as much as he loved me.
What you have here is the last bit of love I could show to my Mr. Magic, Harrison's best friend, Midnight King.
He is missed, and, will forever be in our hearts.
Yesterday Harrison placed Midnight's red bandanna on his grave. The bandanna marks Midnight's final resting place. After a long winter's wait he was buried a week ago. When Harrison said he didn't want to be there for the burial I decided it was time. I went down to the woods behind our house, tripped over tree roots, crossed a creek, and got slapped by tree branches until I found that peaceful spot. I dug his grave so deep I hit water. Now I went back to get his body. I had to roll the container through the house from the deck. (Don't ask) Princess was outside as I came off the porch. The lid came open a tiny bit. At that moment she knew it was him. We walked together to the woods. As I entered the woods she was gone. Disappeared. I did what I had to do to get the container to the burial spot. (He was heavy!) I lowered him carefully into his grave, covered him up and marked his spot with a cross. As I turned to leave, there was Princess, sitting at attention looking very regal. She waited for me to come out of the woods and walked that long walk up the hill to the house with me, step by step. I cleaned the mud off my boots and pants from the many times I had fallen while digging the grave. Then I looked at my coat and realized I was wearing the very same barn coat I used when I was training the dogs when they were puppies. The coat was muddy too, but, I didn't care. A week went by before I told Darren and Harrison what I had done. I asked Harrison if he would like come with me to the grave site and place the bandanna on it. We went down together and honored our friend.
Thursday, April 3, 2014
Coming soon- Pet Cemetery Kind of
Midnight was finally laid to rest. I will give details later. I wrote everything out on paper today and don't have the energy to copy it to my blog.
Remember how this started as a blog to follow my journey with my brain injury? Well, I thought I was doing pretty good then I noticed some changes in my memory and daily thoughts. My balance was getting worse. A visit to the doctor confirmed I needed to change the way I take my medicines. Lucky me. I am now groggy most of the day. Hoping side affects end soon.
By the way, if anyone out there has high cost medicine let me clue you in on my latest shock since we changed insurance companies. One month of Vimpat, $600. A three month supply $1700. All expected to be paid by me. My other pill is covered and only cost $5 a month. Go figure.
I can't concentrate and my vision is a little blurry right now, I will write about the day, 3/31/14, I buried Midnight another time soon.
I don't even know if anyone reads this, but, in some way I think it helps me.
Saturday, March 8, 2014
Brain Injury drawbacks, of which there are many. I will just whine about a few tonight
Home alone again on a Saturday night.
Fully able people can just go out without a thought about the weather, the time of day or if they took their medicine. Oh yeah, and if it is a bright and noisy place or not. My husband and son are off with their friends. I'm tired of doing housework, watching TV, exercising or entertaining myself with art or reading. Sometimes my eyes don't work well enough for me to paint or read so even if I wanted to do those activities they are not possible.
The dog doesn't even stay in the same room with me since her brother died.
I'm sad. Life can be so disappointing at times; took my evening medicine and know that I will become drowsy soon. It's not even 9 pm. I will try to fight off sleep for as long as I can because when Darren and Harrison come in they will wake me up and then I won't be able to go back to sleep until after 1 am or so.
Just another day, just another weekend.
Fully able people can just go out without a thought about the weather, the time of day or if they took their medicine. Oh yeah, and if it is a bright and noisy place or not. My husband and son are off with their friends. I'm tired of doing housework, watching TV, exercising or entertaining myself with art or reading. Sometimes my eyes don't work well enough for me to paint or read so even if I wanted to do those activities they are not possible.
The dog doesn't even stay in the same room with me since her brother died.
I'm sad. Life can be so disappointing at times; took my evening medicine and know that I will become drowsy soon. It's not even 9 pm. I will try to fight off sleep for as long as I can because when Darren and Harrison come in they will wake me up and then I won't be able to go back to sleep until after 1 am or so.
Just another day, just another weekend.
Wednesday, February 26, 2014
Princess in Mourning
For the first time since Midnight died, Princess sought me out. I am downstairs in the office and she actually came downstairs and spent time in here with me. I think because I kept getting up and down to answer texts she got annoyed and left.
That's okay, usually she spends for 6:30 am until 5:30 pm or whenever Harrison or Darren come home before she will make an appearance, unless she thinks I will take her for a walk.
You know this thing about head injuries? Last night I went to Harrison's basketball game, got home at 9:30, he came home around 10:15 pm and asked me to help him with his Spanish. I was stressed from watching the game and lethargic from my medicine. Needless to say, I helped the best I could.
I have a rule, no homework after midnight because you are too tired and your brain won't function well to catch the little mistakes. (yes, that goes for college kids too. I followed the same thing then) I say you get up a little earlier the next morning and finish up. Harrison and I did that today and I was more able to teach him and help him understand his Spanish without him being frustrated. Which brings me back to my head injury.
I was going to write about how Princess ignores me since Midnight died, however, my brain is shutting down right now and I can't seem to spell words correctly and I have blurry vision.
I do want to share before I forget, that a very influential person during my early years died from a head injury on Saturday. He slipped on the ice and hit his head and neck. Yes, he was 80 years old, however he didn't get immediate help and his injuries were so like mine. I was lucky I had a helmet, he didn't expect to slip. We never know in any moment what life has waiting for us. I think of him and can't help but think that could have been me, because I was told had it not been for my helmet it would have.
I'll talk about the dog later, my brain is tell me it is tired and my vision is too blurry to see what I am writing. If no one reads this but me, and I mean any of my ramblings at least my kids will know what my thoughts were.
That's okay, usually she spends for 6:30 am until 5:30 pm or whenever Harrison or Darren come home before she will make an appearance, unless she thinks I will take her for a walk.
You know this thing about head injuries? Last night I went to Harrison's basketball game, got home at 9:30, he came home around 10:15 pm and asked me to help him with his Spanish. I was stressed from watching the game and lethargic from my medicine. Needless to say, I helped the best I could.
I have a rule, no homework after midnight because you are too tired and your brain won't function well to catch the little mistakes. (yes, that goes for college kids too. I followed the same thing then) I say you get up a little earlier the next morning and finish up. Harrison and I did that today and I was more able to teach him and help him understand his Spanish without him being frustrated. Which brings me back to my head injury.
I was going to write about how Princess ignores me since Midnight died, however, my brain is shutting down right now and I can't seem to spell words correctly and I have blurry vision.
I do want to share before I forget, that a very influential person during my early years died from a head injury on Saturday. He slipped on the ice and hit his head and neck. Yes, he was 80 years old, however he didn't get immediate help and his injuries were so like mine. I was lucky I had a helmet, he didn't expect to slip. We never know in any moment what life has waiting for us. I think of him and can't help but think that could have been me, because I was told had it not been for my helmet it would have.
I'll talk about the dog later, my brain is tell me it is tired and my vision is too blurry to see what I am writing. If no one reads this but me, and I mean any of my ramblings at least my kids will know what my thoughts were.
Wednesday, February 12, 2014
Sad I miss my buddy
I wrote the previous entry in memory of my son's dog Midnight. To this day (two weeks after Midnight died) he cannot bring himself to read the printed copy.
It was only yesterday that I could take down his crate in he and his sister's room and vacuum the dog hair from around both crates, it is also difficult for me. Whenever we say Midnight's name Princess perks her ears up and looks around. It is hard on her too.
My brain is having a hard time with all of this. I've had migraines every day and I continue to look for him to jog out of some room in the house, or listen for his bark when someone comes to the door.
Princess will bark sometimes, but, it sounds so weird because she didn't bark before, she let her brother do all the work. She spends her days, as she did before, sleeping in Harrison's room. She will not come out or go out to potty unless Darren or Harrison are home. When I try to let her out she goes out and just stands on the porch and looks at me. I'm insulted.
When one of the guys comes home and they let her out, she runs out does her business and comes right back. How's that for a slap in the face? I am the one home with both of them all day and I also made sure they were exercised and kept happy and in her time of mourning she could care less.
I even looked up what to do if your dog is in mourning, I try some of the suggestions and she just whines and misbehaves. I do not care for whiners, not my kids, and certainly not a dog.
This will be a long road to normal.
It was only yesterday that I could take down his crate in he and his sister's room and vacuum the dog hair from around both crates, it is also difficult for me. Whenever we say Midnight's name Princess perks her ears up and looks around. It is hard on her too.
My brain is having a hard time with all of this. I've had migraines every day and I continue to look for him to jog out of some room in the house, or listen for his bark when someone comes to the door.
Princess will bark sometimes, but, it sounds so weird because she didn't bark before, she let her brother do all the work. She spends her days, as she did before, sleeping in Harrison's room. She will not come out or go out to potty unless Darren or Harrison are home. When I try to let her out she goes out and just stands on the porch and looks at me. I'm insulted.
When one of the guys comes home and they let her out, she runs out does her business and comes right back. How's that for a slap in the face? I am the one home with both of them all day and I also made sure they were exercised and kept happy and in her time of mourning she could care less.
I even looked up what to do if your dog is in mourning, I try some of the suggestions and she just whines and misbehaves. I do not care for whiners, not my kids, and certainly not a dog.
This will be a long road to normal.
Friday, January 31, 2014
On this day we lost our best friend, Midnight King, our beautiful black Labrador Retriever
Here I sit with Midnight. I know his final time on this earth is near. I can't find my blogger account, I wanted something to occupy my mind. He is starting to get agitated. My eyes are tearing. I plan to bathe him because I want to make sure he doesn't smell like the bed he is on. He has lost control of his bodily functions and I keep putting clean items down for him so he is comfortable. In honoring Harrison's wish to have him at home I realize I am the one who will suffer. We thought he might go in the night while everyone was asleep, however, he is a trooper and stubborn. Just like when he was healthy. Yesterday when Harrison came home, he saw him and said maybe he should go to the vet now, but we decided it was too late and we had to complete this process allowing him to stay home in a familiar place. He looks for me when I pass by, which is why I made a cup of tea and decided to just sit in the room with him. He was my shadow and watched over me when I wasn't well and I will return the favor no matter how difficult it is for me to see him try to hold on with me. I am typing with one finger because he will put his head or his paw by my hand or try to move his body, lift his head towards me. I don't want him to die alone, but, I wonder if I leave if he will stop trying to hang on. What do I do? I just told him I loved him and to take a deep breath and let go. Still he looks for MaMa. I will stay here all day if he needs me. I found a red handkerchief with bones on it that I know someone put on him after a bath, I may put that on him too after I wipe him off. He is laying in towels that I keep changing because the urine keeps soaking through, I can't let him leave me smelling like urine. This is very hard. I am glad the kids are not here. I don't think Darren realizes how emotional it is, I know we went through the loss of both of his parents and boy was that painful. This is the loss of a pet who met you happily at the door because he heard the garage door go up, who ran with you, who let you know if someone was coming near the yard, who when I was home alone and sick would lay across the door as if to say you must get through me to get to her. Yes he and his sister tore up my garden! Chewed furniture as puppies, but, we received so many compliments about what good dogs they are and how well trained. So yes, he is a dog, but not JUST a dog, he is my shadow, my friend, protector and my teacher. He taught patience truly is a virtue and what unconditional love means. I will sit here and sit here and sit here because I have unconditional love for him because of him. I played songs for Midnight. You've run your last race my friend. Thanks for helping us train for all of the 5ks, 10ks, half marathons and marathons. Long distance running was your favorite thing to do. You would just tuck in on pace at our sides, off leash, and run. We knew you enjoyed it because we tired before you did. We gave you the happiest life we knew how to give and now I will be with you until the end. Others may feel differently. However, the decision was made and here we are listening to Chicago, Elton John, Fourplay, Carly Simon (lovin' you is the right thing), Carole King (you've got a friend), whatever else comes to mind. Oh, piano music is comforting too. You've got your nose under the bed as if to sniff for Harrison just one last time, he will be happy to hear that. I couldn't help you get better, I tried. I hand fed you when you couldn't close your lower jaw and the vet didn't know what to do. We got you back to good health. Nothing worked this time, not medication, not homeopathic tries nothing. After 10 fun years I had to stop trying. One of my last acts of loves was to cuddle with you in the recliner and you ate one of my coconut crackers. I'm glad we shared that treat together. It came in packs of two, you ate one and I ate the other. Find peace my wonderful canine child. Princess has not been in here since she left to have her breakfast. Hmm, what do animals know? I see you are in pain now, I hurt with you. My back and bottom will pay for the hours I've sat here since around 10am. It is all worth it for you Midnight died today at 1:59pm. He was not alone. I was holding his paw. I can't believe he is gone. No more "Mr. Magic" for me. You're My Best Friend - Queen I was playing Because You Loved Me by Celine Dion, silly, huh? No more struggles or pain, Buddy. That is what Harrison called you. He will miss you so much I can't imagine how he will feel or what he will do when I tell him. Well. Now I am going to get you off of this soiled bed and wipe you down so you will smell better and then I will wrap you in your sister's bed. Rest now my Shadow. Rest in peace. - Mommy
Tuesday, January 21, 2014
Our dog Midnight is sick, very sick. Any day he may die. It seems we all either wake up each morning or come in from being away from home and hope 2 dogs greet us at the door, one of them being him of course.
We've had Midnight and his sister Princess for 10 years now, they are litter mates and have never been separated. This will be hard not only for us, but for Princess as well. I don't consider Princess as one to grieve and that will be my mistake because right now she is still the impatient dog with ADHD that she has always been. Her brother is skin and bones, can't eat and barely walks, yet she will push past him for us to pet her, knocking him down in the process. He was always the Alpha dog outside and inside always stayed where he could see all entry points into the house. In fact he still does even though it is difficult for him to get up and great you, or stop you, but, he will bark. He is the lovable black lab that does, or when he could do, the silly dog stuff like rolling on his back with sheer joy for reasons we didn't understand, steal his sisters favorite ball or do the "sad face" on your knee for you to pet him.
His face is sad now, sometimes there is that shimmer of happiness which gives us hope, but we know the end is near. I thought after all the vet visits and medication we could find the problem and fix it, sometimes you just have to let nature take its course. I don't want to, but, I will. My son is being very mature about this, you see Midnight is his dog and when he first started vomiting up his food he insisted we take him to the vet. He even had to take him by himself when we were out of town and things didn't look so good. We are letting him make the decision about how Midnight transitions out of this life. I told him he could choose when we take him to the vet or let Midnight stay at home. He wants him home, and even as we see him getting weaker and weaker, Harrison is strong in his conviction that his puppa will be at home when his time comes.
I think we will find that Midnight will go to sleep and not wake up. That is my hope. He is not in any pain and actually acts as normal as he can given his condition. With all of the snow and the freezing temperatures he still wants to go outside and stays out for quite awhile until he comes back to the door to be let inside. Now sometimes we have to find him because he looks lost, and sometimes we have to help him up the steps, but other times he walks up the steps and past us looking at us as if to say, "why are you staring at me?" and then goes and lays on the rug surveying his kingdom!
We love him, Dad, Mom Lauren and Harrison and it is hard to watch his demise. I know it is hard for Lauren since she is away at college, I bet she dreads our texts worrying that we may have to tell her about "Mr. Magic", my nickname for him. At no point will it be easy, but knowing the we loved him with all of our hearts and always want the best for him gives us comfort.
Someday soon, because he is not eating, he will not wake up from his nap. It will be a very sad day for us and many of our friends. We will remember the best times with Midnight.
I will always remember the day this summer when I took both dogs on the bike path in my convertible, top down and enjoyed a good run. We stopped at the drug store on the way home and the dogs just watched the people go into the store and made no move to jump out of the car, nor did they bark at anyone.They were enjoying the sunshine and an outing with mom.
His favorite activity was long distance running with us. He and Princess trained with Darren and I for 5k, 10k and Half Marathon runs. He even trained with Darren for a Marathon. The dogs ran 20 miles and still sprinted the last stretch to Mom happy and excited, it was a different story for Dad, but they sure had an adventure! We will be down one training partner this spring, but we have the medals from every race he trained for, they will be our memories.
Being the Mom I am I want to make him well and I know that is not possible. It is very hard to except that because I want to "fix him". He is my shadow, wherever I go he goes. Right now that is what I hold on to keep me from crying. This is only a short story of our Midnight, the black Labrador Retriever purchased at a school auction and a beloved member of our family. He just keeps hanging on, I think he loves us too.
We've had Midnight and his sister Princess for 10 years now, they are litter mates and have never been separated. This will be hard not only for us, but for Princess as well. I don't consider Princess as one to grieve and that will be my mistake because right now she is still the impatient dog with ADHD that she has always been. Her brother is skin and bones, can't eat and barely walks, yet she will push past him for us to pet her, knocking him down in the process. He was always the Alpha dog outside and inside always stayed where he could see all entry points into the house. In fact he still does even though it is difficult for him to get up and great you, or stop you, but, he will bark. He is the lovable black lab that does, or when he could do, the silly dog stuff like rolling on his back with sheer joy for reasons we didn't understand, steal his sisters favorite ball or do the "sad face" on your knee for you to pet him.
His face is sad now, sometimes there is that shimmer of happiness which gives us hope, but we know the end is near. I thought after all the vet visits and medication we could find the problem and fix it, sometimes you just have to let nature take its course. I don't want to, but, I will. My son is being very mature about this, you see Midnight is his dog and when he first started vomiting up his food he insisted we take him to the vet. He even had to take him by himself when we were out of town and things didn't look so good. We are letting him make the decision about how Midnight transitions out of this life. I told him he could choose when we take him to the vet or let Midnight stay at home. He wants him home, and even as we see him getting weaker and weaker, Harrison is strong in his conviction that his puppa will be at home when his time comes.
I think we will find that Midnight will go to sleep and not wake up. That is my hope. He is not in any pain and actually acts as normal as he can given his condition. With all of the snow and the freezing temperatures he still wants to go outside and stays out for quite awhile until he comes back to the door to be let inside. Now sometimes we have to find him because he looks lost, and sometimes we have to help him up the steps, but other times he walks up the steps and past us looking at us as if to say, "why are you staring at me?" and then goes and lays on the rug surveying his kingdom!
We love him, Dad, Mom Lauren and Harrison and it is hard to watch his demise. I know it is hard for Lauren since she is away at college, I bet she dreads our texts worrying that we may have to tell her about "Mr. Magic", my nickname for him. At no point will it be easy, but knowing the we loved him with all of our hearts and always want the best for him gives us comfort.
Someday soon, because he is not eating, he will not wake up from his nap. It will be a very sad day for us and many of our friends. We will remember the best times with Midnight.
I will always remember the day this summer when I took both dogs on the bike path in my convertible, top down and enjoyed a good run. We stopped at the drug store on the way home and the dogs just watched the people go into the store and made no move to jump out of the car, nor did they bark at anyone.They were enjoying the sunshine and an outing with mom.
His favorite activity was long distance running with us. He and Princess trained with Darren and I for 5k, 10k and Half Marathon runs. He even trained with Darren for a Marathon. The dogs ran 20 miles and still sprinted the last stretch to Mom happy and excited, it was a different story for Dad, but they sure had an adventure! We will be down one training partner this spring, but we have the medals from every race he trained for, they will be our memories.
Being the Mom I am I want to make him well and I know that is not possible. It is very hard to except that because I want to "fix him". He is my shadow, wherever I go he goes. Right now that is what I hold on to keep me from crying. This is only a short story of our Midnight, the black Labrador Retriever purchased at a school auction and a beloved member of our family. He just keeps hanging on, I think he loves us too.
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