Home alone again on a Saturday night.
Fully able people can just go out without a thought about the weather, the time of day or if they took their medicine. Oh yeah, and if it is a bright and noisy place or not. My husband and son are off with their friends. I'm tired of doing housework, watching TV, exercising or entertaining myself with art or reading. Sometimes my eyes don't work well enough for me to paint or read so even if I wanted to do those activities they are not possible.
The dog doesn't even stay in the same room with me since her brother died.
I'm sad. Life can be so disappointing at times; took my evening medicine and know that I will become drowsy soon. It's not even 9 pm. I will try to fight off sleep for as long as I can because when Darren and Harrison come in they will wake me up and then I won't be able to go back to sleep until after 1 am or so.
Just another day, just another weekend.
Saturday, March 8, 2014
Wednesday, February 26, 2014
Princess in Mourning
For the first time since Midnight died, Princess sought me out. I am downstairs in the office and she actually came downstairs and spent time in here with me. I think because I kept getting up and down to answer texts she got annoyed and left.
That's okay, usually she spends for 6:30 am until 5:30 pm or whenever Harrison or Darren come home before she will make an appearance, unless she thinks I will take her for a walk.
You know this thing about head injuries? Last night I went to Harrison's basketball game, got home at 9:30, he came home around 10:15 pm and asked me to help him with his Spanish. I was stressed from watching the game and lethargic from my medicine. Needless to say, I helped the best I could.
I have a rule, no homework after midnight because you are too tired and your brain won't function well to catch the little mistakes. (yes, that goes for college kids too. I followed the same thing then) I say you get up a little earlier the next morning and finish up. Harrison and I did that today and I was more able to teach him and help him understand his Spanish without him being frustrated. Which brings me back to my head injury.
I was going to write about how Princess ignores me since Midnight died, however, my brain is shutting down right now and I can't seem to spell words correctly and I have blurry vision.
I do want to share before I forget, that a very influential person during my early years died from a head injury on Saturday. He slipped on the ice and hit his head and neck. Yes, he was 80 years old, however he didn't get immediate help and his injuries were so like mine. I was lucky I had a helmet, he didn't expect to slip. We never know in any moment what life has waiting for us. I think of him and can't help but think that could have been me, because I was told had it not been for my helmet it would have.
I'll talk about the dog later, my brain is tell me it is tired and my vision is too blurry to see what I am writing. If no one reads this but me, and I mean any of my ramblings at least my kids will know what my thoughts were.
That's okay, usually she spends for 6:30 am until 5:30 pm or whenever Harrison or Darren come home before she will make an appearance, unless she thinks I will take her for a walk.
You know this thing about head injuries? Last night I went to Harrison's basketball game, got home at 9:30, he came home around 10:15 pm and asked me to help him with his Spanish. I was stressed from watching the game and lethargic from my medicine. Needless to say, I helped the best I could.
I have a rule, no homework after midnight because you are too tired and your brain won't function well to catch the little mistakes. (yes, that goes for college kids too. I followed the same thing then) I say you get up a little earlier the next morning and finish up. Harrison and I did that today and I was more able to teach him and help him understand his Spanish without him being frustrated. Which brings me back to my head injury.
I was going to write about how Princess ignores me since Midnight died, however, my brain is shutting down right now and I can't seem to spell words correctly and I have blurry vision.
I do want to share before I forget, that a very influential person during my early years died from a head injury on Saturday. He slipped on the ice and hit his head and neck. Yes, he was 80 years old, however he didn't get immediate help and his injuries were so like mine. I was lucky I had a helmet, he didn't expect to slip. We never know in any moment what life has waiting for us. I think of him and can't help but think that could have been me, because I was told had it not been for my helmet it would have.
I'll talk about the dog later, my brain is tell me it is tired and my vision is too blurry to see what I am writing. If no one reads this but me, and I mean any of my ramblings at least my kids will know what my thoughts were.
Wednesday, February 12, 2014
Sad I miss my buddy
I wrote the previous entry in memory of my son's dog Midnight. To this day (two weeks after Midnight died) he cannot bring himself to read the printed copy.
It was only yesterday that I could take down his crate in he and his sister's room and vacuum the dog hair from around both crates, it is also difficult for me. Whenever we say Midnight's name Princess perks her ears up and looks around. It is hard on her too.
My brain is having a hard time with all of this. I've had migraines every day and I continue to look for him to jog out of some room in the house, or listen for his bark when someone comes to the door.
Princess will bark sometimes, but, it sounds so weird because she didn't bark before, she let her brother do all the work. She spends her days, as she did before, sleeping in Harrison's room. She will not come out or go out to potty unless Darren or Harrison are home. When I try to let her out she goes out and just stands on the porch and looks at me. I'm insulted.
When one of the guys comes home and they let her out, she runs out does her business and comes right back. How's that for a slap in the face? I am the one home with both of them all day and I also made sure they were exercised and kept happy and in her time of mourning she could care less.
I even looked up what to do if your dog is in mourning, I try some of the suggestions and she just whines and misbehaves. I do not care for whiners, not my kids, and certainly not a dog.
This will be a long road to normal.
It was only yesterday that I could take down his crate in he and his sister's room and vacuum the dog hair from around both crates, it is also difficult for me. Whenever we say Midnight's name Princess perks her ears up and looks around. It is hard on her too.
My brain is having a hard time with all of this. I've had migraines every day and I continue to look for him to jog out of some room in the house, or listen for his bark when someone comes to the door.
Princess will bark sometimes, but, it sounds so weird because she didn't bark before, she let her brother do all the work. She spends her days, as she did before, sleeping in Harrison's room. She will not come out or go out to potty unless Darren or Harrison are home. When I try to let her out she goes out and just stands on the porch and looks at me. I'm insulted.
When one of the guys comes home and they let her out, she runs out does her business and comes right back. How's that for a slap in the face? I am the one home with both of them all day and I also made sure they were exercised and kept happy and in her time of mourning she could care less.
I even looked up what to do if your dog is in mourning, I try some of the suggestions and she just whines and misbehaves. I do not care for whiners, not my kids, and certainly not a dog.
This will be a long road to normal.
Friday, January 31, 2014
On this day we lost our best friend, Midnight King, our beautiful black Labrador Retriever
Here I sit with Midnight. I know his final time on this earth is near. I can't find my blogger account, I wanted something to occupy my mind. He is starting to get agitated. My eyes are tearing. I plan to bathe him because I want to make sure he doesn't smell like the bed he is on. He has lost control of his bodily functions and I keep putting clean items down for him so he is comfortable. In honoring Harrison's wish to have him at home I realize I am the one who will suffer. We thought he might go in the night while everyone was asleep, however, he is a trooper and stubborn. Just like when he was healthy. Yesterday when Harrison came home, he saw him and said maybe he should go to the vet now, but we decided it was too late and we had to complete this process allowing him to stay home in a familiar place. He looks for me when I pass by, which is why I made a cup of tea and decided to just sit in the room with him. He was my shadow and watched over me when I wasn't well and I will return the favor no matter how difficult it is for me to see him try to hold on with me. I am typing with one finger because he will put his head or his paw by my hand or try to move his body, lift his head towards me. I don't want him to die alone, but, I wonder if I leave if he will stop trying to hang on. What do I do? I just told him I loved him and to take a deep breath and let go. Still he looks for MaMa. I will stay here all day if he needs me. I found a red handkerchief with bones on it that I know someone put on him after a bath, I may put that on him too after I wipe him off. He is laying in towels that I keep changing because the urine keeps soaking through, I can't let him leave me smelling like urine. This is very hard. I am glad the kids are not here. I don't think Darren realizes how emotional it is, I know we went through the loss of both of his parents and boy was that painful. This is the loss of a pet who met you happily at the door because he heard the garage door go up, who ran with you, who let you know if someone was coming near the yard, who when I was home alone and sick would lay across the door as if to say you must get through me to get to her. Yes he and his sister tore up my garden! Chewed furniture as puppies, but, we received so many compliments about what good dogs they are and how well trained. So yes, he is a dog, but not JUST a dog, he is my shadow, my friend, protector and my teacher. He taught patience truly is a virtue and what unconditional love means. I will sit here and sit here and sit here because I have unconditional love for him because of him. I played songs for Midnight. You've run your last race my friend. Thanks for helping us train for all of the 5ks, 10ks, half marathons and marathons. Long distance running was your favorite thing to do. You would just tuck in on pace at our sides, off leash, and run. We knew you enjoyed it because we tired before you did. We gave you the happiest life we knew how to give and now I will be with you until the end. Others may feel differently. However, the decision was made and here we are listening to Chicago, Elton John, Fourplay, Carly Simon (lovin' you is the right thing), Carole King (you've got a friend), whatever else comes to mind. Oh, piano music is comforting too. You've got your nose under the bed as if to sniff for Harrison just one last time, he will be happy to hear that. I couldn't help you get better, I tried. I hand fed you when you couldn't close your lower jaw and the vet didn't know what to do. We got you back to good health. Nothing worked this time, not medication, not homeopathic tries nothing. After 10 fun years I had to stop trying. One of my last acts of loves was to cuddle with you in the recliner and you ate one of my coconut crackers. I'm glad we shared that treat together. It came in packs of two, you ate one and I ate the other. Find peace my wonderful canine child. Princess has not been in here since she left to have her breakfast. Hmm, what do animals know? I see you are in pain now, I hurt with you. My back and bottom will pay for the hours I've sat here since around 10am. It is all worth it for you Midnight died today at 1:59pm. He was not alone. I was holding his paw. I can't believe he is gone. No more "Mr. Magic" for me. You're My Best Friend - Queen I was playing Because You Loved Me by Celine Dion, silly, huh? No more struggles or pain, Buddy. That is what Harrison called you. He will miss you so much I can't imagine how he will feel or what he will do when I tell him. Well. Now I am going to get you off of this soiled bed and wipe you down so you will smell better and then I will wrap you in your sister's bed. Rest now my Shadow. Rest in peace. - Mommy
Tuesday, January 21, 2014
Our dog Midnight is sick, very sick. Any day he may die. It seems we all either wake up each morning or come in from being away from home and hope 2 dogs greet us at the door, one of them being him of course.
We've had Midnight and his sister Princess for 10 years now, they are litter mates and have never been separated. This will be hard not only for us, but for Princess as well. I don't consider Princess as one to grieve and that will be my mistake because right now she is still the impatient dog with ADHD that she has always been. Her brother is skin and bones, can't eat and barely walks, yet she will push past him for us to pet her, knocking him down in the process. He was always the Alpha dog outside and inside always stayed where he could see all entry points into the house. In fact he still does even though it is difficult for him to get up and great you, or stop you, but, he will bark. He is the lovable black lab that does, or when he could do, the silly dog stuff like rolling on his back with sheer joy for reasons we didn't understand, steal his sisters favorite ball or do the "sad face" on your knee for you to pet him.
His face is sad now, sometimes there is that shimmer of happiness which gives us hope, but we know the end is near. I thought after all the vet visits and medication we could find the problem and fix it, sometimes you just have to let nature take its course. I don't want to, but, I will. My son is being very mature about this, you see Midnight is his dog and when he first started vomiting up his food he insisted we take him to the vet. He even had to take him by himself when we were out of town and things didn't look so good. We are letting him make the decision about how Midnight transitions out of this life. I told him he could choose when we take him to the vet or let Midnight stay at home. He wants him home, and even as we see him getting weaker and weaker, Harrison is strong in his conviction that his puppa will be at home when his time comes.
I think we will find that Midnight will go to sleep and not wake up. That is my hope. He is not in any pain and actually acts as normal as he can given his condition. With all of the snow and the freezing temperatures he still wants to go outside and stays out for quite awhile until he comes back to the door to be let inside. Now sometimes we have to find him because he looks lost, and sometimes we have to help him up the steps, but other times he walks up the steps and past us looking at us as if to say, "why are you staring at me?" and then goes and lays on the rug surveying his kingdom!
We love him, Dad, Mom Lauren and Harrison and it is hard to watch his demise. I know it is hard for Lauren since she is away at college, I bet she dreads our texts worrying that we may have to tell her about "Mr. Magic", my nickname for him. At no point will it be easy, but knowing the we loved him with all of our hearts and always want the best for him gives us comfort.
Someday soon, because he is not eating, he will not wake up from his nap. It will be a very sad day for us and many of our friends. We will remember the best times with Midnight.
I will always remember the day this summer when I took both dogs on the bike path in my convertible, top down and enjoyed a good run. We stopped at the drug store on the way home and the dogs just watched the people go into the store and made no move to jump out of the car, nor did they bark at anyone.They were enjoying the sunshine and an outing with mom.
His favorite activity was long distance running with us. He and Princess trained with Darren and I for 5k, 10k and Half Marathon runs. He even trained with Darren for a Marathon. The dogs ran 20 miles and still sprinted the last stretch to Mom happy and excited, it was a different story for Dad, but they sure had an adventure! We will be down one training partner this spring, but we have the medals from every race he trained for, they will be our memories.
Being the Mom I am I want to make him well and I know that is not possible. It is very hard to except that because I want to "fix him". He is my shadow, wherever I go he goes. Right now that is what I hold on to keep me from crying. This is only a short story of our Midnight, the black Labrador Retriever purchased at a school auction and a beloved member of our family. He just keeps hanging on, I think he loves us too.
We've had Midnight and his sister Princess for 10 years now, they are litter mates and have never been separated. This will be hard not only for us, but for Princess as well. I don't consider Princess as one to grieve and that will be my mistake because right now she is still the impatient dog with ADHD that she has always been. Her brother is skin and bones, can't eat and barely walks, yet she will push past him for us to pet her, knocking him down in the process. He was always the Alpha dog outside and inside always stayed where he could see all entry points into the house. In fact he still does even though it is difficult for him to get up and great you, or stop you, but, he will bark. He is the lovable black lab that does, or when he could do, the silly dog stuff like rolling on his back with sheer joy for reasons we didn't understand, steal his sisters favorite ball or do the "sad face" on your knee for you to pet him.
His face is sad now, sometimes there is that shimmer of happiness which gives us hope, but we know the end is near. I thought after all the vet visits and medication we could find the problem and fix it, sometimes you just have to let nature take its course. I don't want to, but, I will. My son is being very mature about this, you see Midnight is his dog and when he first started vomiting up his food he insisted we take him to the vet. He even had to take him by himself when we were out of town and things didn't look so good. We are letting him make the decision about how Midnight transitions out of this life. I told him he could choose when we take him to the vet or let Midnight stay at home. He wants him home, and even as we see him getting weaker and weaker, Harrison is strong in his conviction that his puppa will be at home when his time comes.
I think we will find that Midnight will go to sleep and not wake up. That is my hope. He is not in any pain and actually acts as normal as he can given his condition. With all of the snow and the freezing temperatures he still wants to go outside and stays out for quite awhile until he comes back to the door to be let inside. Now sometimes we have to find him because he looks lost, and sometimes we have to help him up the steps, but other times he walks up the steps and past us looking at us as if to say, "why are you staring at me?" and then goes and lays on the rug surveying his kingdom!
We love him, Dad, Mom Lauren and Harrison and it is hard to watch his demise. I know it is hard for Lauren since she is away at college, I bet she dreads our texts worrying that we may have to tell her about "Mr. Magic", my nickname for him. At no point will it be easy, but knowing the we loved him with all of our hearts and always want the best for him gives us comfort.
Someday soon, because he is not eating, he will not wake up from his nap. It will be a very sad day for us and many of our friends. We will remember the best times with Midnight.
I will always remember the day this summer when I took both dogs on the bike path in my convertible, top down and enjoyed a good run. We stopped at the drug store on the way home and the dogs just watched the people go into the store and made no move to jump out of the car, nor did they bark at anyone.They were enjoying the sunshine and an outing with mom.
His favorite activity was long distance running with us. He and Princess trained with Darren and I for 5k, 10k and Half Marathon runs. He even trained with Darren for a Marathon. The dogs ran 20 miles and still sprinted the last stretch to Mom happy and excited, it was a different story for Dad, but they sure had an adventure! We will be down one training partner this spring, but we have the medals from every race he trained for, they will be our memories.
Being the Mom I am I want to make him well and I know that is not possible. It is very hard to except that because I want to "fix him". He is my shadow, wherever I go he goes. Right now that is what I hold on to keep me from crying. This is only a short story of our Midnight, the black Labrador Retriever purchased at a school auction and a beloved member of our family. He just keeps hanging on, I think he loves us too.
Saturday, November 30, 2013
It's all too much stress, but I try to hold on to some sense of normalcy, epic failure
2 seizures loss of fluency in speech
dropped phone in washing machine, it dried out but lost calendar settings. 3 weeks with Apple to fix
dog throwing up, down to skin and bones. Lots of money at vet but no answer for sickness, dog is 10 years old. He just can't seem to keep food down.
My godfather dies the day after my 51st birthday after a struggle with illness
Basketball has started, got ball hogs that aren't team players. Son comes in frustrated after games they should have won but were out coached because he is not being given opportunities when he is open and the guards turn the ball over and ball hog is able to do what he wants. My son is frustrated. Stressful for me to listen to.
I'm sure there is more just can't remember.
On a lighter note, got to visit with my daughter on her Thanksgiving break, that always makes me happy.
Enough said.
dropped phone in washing machine, it dried out but lost calendar settings. 3 weeks with Apple to fix
dog throwing up, down to skin and bones. Lots of money at vet but no answer for sickness, dog is 10 years old. He just can't seem to keep food down.
My godfather dies the day after my 51st birthday after a struggle with illness
Basketball has started, got ball hogs that aren't team players. Son comes in frustrated after games they should have won but were out coached because he is not being given opportunities when he is open and the guards turn the ball over and ball hog is able to do what he wants. My son is frustrated. Stressful for me to listen to.
I'm sure there is more just can't remember.
On a lighter note, got to visit with my daughter on her Thanksgiving break, that always makes me happy.
Enough said.
Tuesday, November 5, 2013
What the brain will do
Major seizure Friday night. First in I don't know how long. I should have told my husband and friends that I thought the restaurant music was too loud when I was waiting in the lobby, but, I didn't and I paid for it. I actually got locked into my brain and couldn't speak for awhile. Luckily it was at bedtime and my husband was right beside me as I tried to work my way back into the world, so to speak.
Know this, it is your brain and belongs to no one else. You have to protect yourself, be polite about it but just excuse yourself from situations when you feel it is too much to process, too loud anything. No one else really knows but you. Don't try to be a "trooper" like I did, it cost me a seizure, a migraine, clear speech and driving privileges. I am already above the dosage level approved by the FDA for my anti seizure medicine so there is no increase in dosages possible. I must tell myself to learn to say no thank you, and to ask for help.
I did ask my neighbor who is a Speech Therapist to help me recover my speech, and another friend of mine is an audiologist, she will evaluate me in a few weeks to see if there are any other systems we can put in place to help me in public. I already have 3 different types of earplugs to use depending on the situation. Everyones brain is different. Mine tricks me! I do very well for months, then get knocked off my feet. Let me encourage everyone to get back up, evaluate what happened, make the adjustment and live life the best you can.
I currently have many stressful situations going on in my life, so maybe the noise just sent my brain over the edge. I will not list them all, and yes there a quite a few, I must learn how to not let them stress me because I will then have partial seizures, not stop which then makes things worse.
Today, I dropped my I Phone in the washer, it was in a Lifeproof case, but, they say it must be user error if my phone got wet while in the case. Maybe it wasn't sealed all the way, maybe I should have paid the 10 extra dollars to insure my phone. That option wasn't available when the cases came out because who wouldn't spend an extra $10 to insure a $500 phone? The better question is, if your product is so good, military grade, he kept saying, why do I need to spend $10 to insure my phone. Oh well, I hope rice works. Meanwhile, I am without my phone which has my schedule and alerts for my medicine because it is portable. Know what? If the rice doesn't work, I will just get a new phone, sync it and get one with life. Because additional stress is not what I need. And, didn't I just say we should learn how to limit our stress and take care of our brains. To quote a song I remember as a child, "the most important person in the whole wide world is you, and you hardly even know you...".
I am off to finish dinner and find a chuckle in this world of mine. Usually, I am laughing at myself. If I think about it, dropping my phone in the washer is funny, typical of me which why I bought the case, and a story to tell and laugh about later. No matter what happens.
Take care of you, only you can!
Know this, it is your brain and belongs to no one else. You have to protect yourself, be polite about it but just excuse yourself from situations when you feel it is too much to process, too loud anything. No one else really knows but you. Don't try to be a "trooper" like I did, it cost me a seizure, a migraine, clear speech and driving privileges. I am already above the dosage level approved by the FDA for my anti seizure medicine so there is no increase in dosages possible. I must tell myself to learn to say no thank you, and to ask for help.
I did ask my neighbor who is a Speech Therapist to help me recover my speech, and another friend of mine is an audiologist, she will evaluate me in a few weeks to see if there are any other systems we can put in place to help me in public. I already have 3 different types of earplugs to use depending on the situation. Everyones brain is different. Mine tricks me! I do very well for months, then get knocked off my feet. Let me encourage everyone to get back up, evaluate what happened, make the adjustment and live life the best you can.
I currently have many stressful situations going on in my life, so maybe the noise just sent my brain over the edge. I will not list them all, and yes there a quite a few, I must learn how to not let them stress me because I will then have partial seizures, not stop which then makes things worse.
Today, I dropped my I Phone in the washer, it was in a Lifeproof case, but, they say it must be user error if my phone got wet while in the case. Maybe it wasn't sealed all the way, maybe I should have paid the 10 extra dollars to insure my phone. That option wasn't available when the cases came out because who wouldn't spend an extra $10 to insure a $500 phone? The better question is, if your product is so good, military grade, he kept saying, why do I need to spend $10 to insure my phone. Oh well, I hope rice works. Meanwhile, I am without my phone which has my schedule and alerts for my medicine because it is portable. Know what? If the rice doesn't work, I will just get a new phone, sync it and get one with life. Because additional stress is not what I need. And, didn't I just say we should learn how to limit our stress and take care of our brains. To quote a song I remember as a child, "the most important person in the whole wide world is you, and you hardly even know you...".
I am off to finish dinner and find a chuckle in this world of mine. Usually, I am laughing at myself. If I think about it, dropping my phone in the washer is funny, typical of me which why I bought the case, and a story to tell and laugh about later. No matter what happens.
Take care of you, only you can!
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