Two Steps Forward, Three Steps Back

You never know when something might trigger a problem with this unhealed brain that I have.  We've found that the dosage one of my medications had become toxic.  I was hallucinating and had  become confused often, especially when I was waking up in the morning.

First, we change how many times a day I take my medicine, nothing.  Then we change the dosage and keep taking it 3 times and day.  And, he wants to change the other medicine dropping the dosage.  I say okay.  Then after I hang up the phone, tell my husband the plan, it was as if my head spun around like Reagan in the exorcist and I tell my husband in a very mean voice, I refuse to do anything.  I will not change the dosage, I will go back to how I was taking it and I will especially not change the latest dosage of the second medication.  I was very angry at everything.  I felt it was a guessing game and I was tired of guessing.  Let me say again, this happened in the space of 5 minutes.  Brains are funny organs!  Remember the brain controls everything and when it is "in a mood" look out people!!

My husband very calmly, tells me to go take a shower and think everything over.  I do so.  In the shower I decide I am going to take some control over this medicine guessing game.  I come out, apologize for my outburst, and tell him I will go down on the dosage of the first medicine, but, I refuse to do the change in dosage of the second medicine.  He very calmly says it makes sense not to change two things at once.  By changing one of the medications we will know if that was the problem or not.  Then we will know if we need to make the other change or not.  Victory!  I have some say in this madness.  The next day I call my doctor's office and tell the nurse to note on my chart I refuse to change the dosage of the second medication.  She is a little surprised, I think my doctor just decided not to call me back and discuss it because he knows Darren is here and if necessary the change will be made whether I like it or not.  Especially since I can't even fill my own medicine container because I get confused.  Oh well, go me I got one small victory.

Fast forward to last Saturday, May 24th 2014.
Trying to be supportive spouse, we decide it would be okay for me to go to dinner with Darren.  It was at his manager's home and there were only going to be 7 people, no problem right?  How wrong could we have been.

The woman left the steaks in her car over night, was just going to serve us salad, asparagus, baked potatoes and the appetizer. (no one ate that by the way, except she fixed me a plate and I was stuck.  It was nasty)  Thank God daughter convinced her that was not a good idea, plus the daughter doesn't like vegetables.  Long story short, the woman starts to sear the steaks, doesn't turn on the exhaust and the smoke alarm goes off!  Hello me.  No earplugs, I'm startled and looking for Darren in this tiny apartment.  I am so confused, she waves a towel at the detector and someone sits at the apartment door to keep it wide open and let the smoke out.

My speech and patience are gone.  Of course the seizures want to come and I am trying so hard to appear as if I can handle it.  Yes I  had trouble. My brain was slow to process things like walk across the room to the table etc. What a nightmare!  And I am worried about embarrassing my husband.

I have spend Sunday, Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday with slurry speech, processing issues and exhaustion.  It will take awhile to recover.  I know I will because I will work hard to do so.  This time, when I woke up Sunday morning, I didn't think I wanted to even try.

Life had been going so well for so long I got tricked into thinking I could venture out farther and expand my comfort zone.  Now I am back to being a hermit.  I do walk 4 miles each morning with my neighbor, that helps me a lot.  It will help with my speech.  If I talk slowly it's not as slurry, she understands that it may take me time to think what I want to say and then say it.

I just never know when my brain will be attacked.  That's how I look at too much noise, and that damn smoke alarm.  They are attacks on my sense of normalcy.  I would like to attend functions with my husband and children.  I have already missed too many awards nights, (will miss another tonight) and dinners. The first question my family asks is, "will it be too noisy, do we think mom can go?"  They love me so much and are always looking out for me.

I guess I will work my brain back the best it can be and I will adjust my medicines, that's what this blog really is all about.  There's hope for those of us that live with traumatic brain injuries and we should keep pushing forward.

Two steps forward, three steps back.    I have started my two steps forward again.  Anyone reading this who is having similar frustrations, take the two steps forward with me.



No promise on grammar.  Just forget about it  ;-)

I Promised Pet Cemetery Kinda. How about the burial of our family friend, my shadow Midnight

We miss our dog Midnight who died of unknown causes at the age of 10 during the winter months.  Exact date, somewhere in the recesses of my mind.

I am writing this blog after a very full day and having taken my medicine for the night.  I am sedated, tired and my vision is blurry.  I felt this was important to get off my mind and also to share with those who would understand the death of a beloved pet is very hard.

I have a four page document just for our family as a memory of the day I buried him, this is the shortened version I used for Facebook, the sentiment is still the same just edited.

I will just say my heart is here in this blog. I called Midnight "Mr. Magic".  He was my shadow, he was my best friend and no matter how mad I got he saw the best there was in me.  Who could as for anything more.

He would not let you near me in this house, he made sure he could see every entryway to wherever I was, and if i was sick in bed he laid across the doorway as if to say, "you have to go through me to get to her, and don't event try it".  He knew my moods, he knew when I looked at him what it I wanted and sometimes he would challenge me.  In the end I picked up our Labrador Retriever and stretched out with him in a recliner wrapped in a blanket,  just because I wanted him to really know I loved him as much as he loved me.

What you have here is the last bit of love I could show to my Mr. Magic, Harrison's best friend, Midnight King.

He is missed, and, will forever be in our hearts.


Yesterday Harrison placed Midnight's red bandanna on his grave. The bandanna marks Midnight's final resting place. After a long winter's wait he was buried a week ago. When Harrison said he didn't want to be there for the burial I decided it was time. I went down to the woods behind our house, tripped over tree roots, crossed a creek, and got slapped by tree branches until I found that peaceful spot. I dug his grave so deep I hit water. Now I went back to get his body. I had to roll the container through the house from the deck. (Don't ask) Princess was outside as I came off the porch. The lid came open a tiny bit. At that moment she knew it was him. We walked together to the woods. As I entered the woods she was gone. Disappeared. I did what I had to do to get the container to the burial spot. (He was heavy!) I lowered him carefully into his grave, covered him up and marked his spot with a cross. As I turned to leave, there was Princess, sitting at attention looking very regal. She waited for me to come out of the woods and walked that long walk up the hill to the house with me, step by step. I cleaned the mud off my boots and pants from the many times I had fallen while digging the grave. Then I looked at my coat and realized I was wearing the very same barn coat I used when I was training the dogs when they were puppies. The coat was muddy too, but, I didn't care. A week went by before I told Darren and Harrison what I had done. I asked Harrison if he would like come with me to the grave site and place the bandanna on it. We went down together and honored our friend.

Coming soon- Pet Cemetery Kind of

Midnight was finally laid to rest.  I will give details later.  I wrote everything out on paper today and don't have the energy to copy it to my blog.

Remember how this started as a blog to follow my journey with my brain injury? Well, I thought I was doing pretty good then I noticed some changes in my memory and daily thoughts.  My balance was getting worse.  A visit to the doctor confirmed I needed to change the way I take my medicines.  Lucky me. I am now groggy most of the day.  Hoping side affects end soon.

By the way, if anyone out there has high cost medicine let me clue you in on my latest shock since we changed insurance companies. One month of Vimpat, $600.  A three month supply $1700. All expected to be paid by me.  My other pill is covered and only cost $5 a month.  Go figure.

I can't concentrate and my vision is a little blurry right now, I will write about the day, 3/31/14, I buried Midnight another time soon.

I don't even know if anyone reads this, but, in some way I think it helps me.

Brain Injury drawbacks, of which there are many. I will just whine about a few tonight

Home alone again on a Saturday night.

Fully able people can just go out without a thought about the weather, the time of day or if they took their medicine.  Oh yeah, and if it is a bright and noisy place or not.  My husband and son are off with their friends.  I'm tired of doing housework, watching TV, exercising or entertaining myself with art or reading. Sometimes my eyes don't work well enough for me to paint or read so even if I wanted to do those activities they are not possible.

The dog doesn't even stay in the same room with me since her brother died.

I'm sad.  Life can be so disappointing at times; took my evening medicine and know that I will become drowsy soon.  It's not even 9 pm. I will try to fight off sleep for as long as I can because when Darren and Harrison come in they will wake me up and then I won't be able to go back to sleep until after 1 am or so.

Just another day, just another weekend.

Princess in Mourning

For the first time since Midnight died, Princess sought me out.  I am downstairs in the office and she actually came downstairs and spent time in here with me.  I think because I kept getting up and down to answer texts she got annoyed and left.

That's okay, usually she spends for 6:30 am until 5:30 pm or whenever Harrison or Darren come home before she will make an appearance, unless she thinks I will take her for a walk.

You know this thing about head injuries? Last night I went to Harrison's basketball game, got home at 9:30, he came home around 10:15 pm and asked me to help him with his Spanish.  I was stressed from watching the game and lethargic from my medicine.  Needless to say, I helped the best I could.

I have a rule, no homework after midnight because you are too tired and your brain won't function well to catch the little mistakes.  (yes, that goes for college kids too.  I followed the same thing then) I say you get up a little earlier the next morning and finish up. Harrison and I did that today and I was more able to teach him and help him understand his Spanish without him being frustrated. Which brings me back to my head injury.

I was going to write about how Princess ignores me since Midnight died, however, my brain is shutting down right now and I can't seem to spell words correctly and I have blurry vision.

I do want to share before I forget, that a very influential person during my early years died from a head injury on Saturday.  He slipped on the ice and hit his head and neck.  Yes, he was 80 years old, however he didn't get immediate help and his injuries were so like mine.  I was lucky I had a helmet, he didn't expect to slip.  We never know in any moment what life has waiting for us.  I think of him and can't help but think that could have been me, because I was told had it not been for my helmet it would have.

I'll talk about the dog later, my brain is tell me it is tired and my vision is too blurry to see what I am writing.  If no one reads this but me, and I mean any of my ramblings at least my kids will know what my thoughts were.

Sad I miss my buddy

I wrote the previous entry in memory of my son's dog Midnight. To this day (two weeks after Midnight died) he cannot bring himself to read the printed copy.

It was only yesterday that I could take down his crate in he and his sister's room and vacuum the dog hair from around both crates, it is also difficult for me.  Whenever we say Midnight's name Princess perks her ears up and looks around.  It is hard on her too.

My brain is having a hard time with all of this.  I've had migraines every day and I continue to look for him to jog out of some room in the house, or listen for his bark when someone comes to the door.

Princess will bark sometimes, but, it sounds so weird because she didn't bark before, she let her brother do all the work.  She spends her days, as she did before, sleeping in Harrison's room.  She will not come out or go out to potty unless Darren or Harrison are home.  When I try to let her out she goes out and just stands on the porch and looks at me. I'm insulted.

When one of the guys comes home and they let her out, she runs out does her business and comes right back.  How's that for a slap in the face?  I am the one home with both of them all day and I also made sure they were exercised and kept happy and in her time of mourning she could care less.

I even looked up what to do if your dog is in mourning, I try some of the suggestions and she just whines and misbehaves.  I do not care for whiners, not my kids, and certainly not a dog.

This will be a long road to normal.

On this day we lost our best friend, Midnight King, our beautiful black Labrador Retriever

Here I sit with Midnight. I know his final time on this earth is near. I can't 
find my blogger account, I wanted something to occupy my mind. He is starting to 
get agitated. My eyes are tearing. I plan to bathe him because I want to make 
sure he doesn't smell like the bed he is on. He has lost control of his bodily 
functions and I keep putting clean items down for him so he is comfortable.

In honoring Harrison's wish to have him at home I realize I am the one who will 
suffer. We thought he might go in the night while everyone was asleep, however, 
he is a trooper and stubborn. Just like when he was healthy. Yesterday when 
Harrison came home, he saw him and said maybe he should go to the vet now, but 
we decided it was too late and we had to complete this process allowing him to 
stay home in a familiar place. He looks for me when I pass by, which is why I 
made a cup of tea and decided to just sit in the room with him.  He was my 
shadow and watched over me when I wasn't well and I will return the favor no 
matter how difficult it is for me to see him try to hold on with me. I am typing 
with one finger because he will put his head or his paw by my hand or try to 
move his body, lift his head towards me. I don't want him to die alone, but, I 
wonder if I leave if he will stop trying to hang on. What do I do?  I just told 
him I loved him and to take a deep breath and let go. Still he looks for MaMa. I 
will stay here all day if he needs me.

I found a red handkerchief with bones on it that I know someone put on him after 
a bath, I may put that on him too after I wipe him off.  He is laying in towels 
that I keep changing because the urine keeps soaking through, I can't let him 
leave me smelling like urine. 

This is very hard. I am glad the kids are not here. I don't think Darren 
realizes how emotional it is, I know we went through the loss of both of his 
parents and boy was that painful.  This is the loss of a pet who met you happily 
at the door because he heard the garage door go up, who ran with you, who let 
you know if someone was coming near the yard, who when I was home alone and sick 
would lay across the door as if to say you must get through me to get to her.  
Yes he and his sister tore up my garden!  Chewed furniture as puppies, but, we 
received so many compliments about what good dogs they are and how well trained.  
So yes, he is a dog, but not JUST a dog, he is my shadow, my friend, protector 
and my teacher. He taught patience truly is a virtue and what unconditional love 
means. I will sit here and sit here and sit here because I have unconditional 
love for him because of him.

I played songs for Midnight.

You've run your last race my friend.  Thanks for helping us train for all of the 
5ks, 10ks, half marathons and marathons. Long distance running was your favorite 
thing to do. You would just tuck in on pace at our sides, off leash, and run. We 
knew you enjoyed it because we tired before you did. We gave you the happiest 
life we knew how to give and now I will be with you until the end. Others may 
feel differently. However, the decision was made and here we are listening to 
Chicago, Elton John, Fourplay, Carly Simon (lovin' you is the right thing), 
Carole King (you've got a friend), whatever else comes to mind. Oh, piano music 
is comforting too.

You've got your nose under the bed as if to sniff for Harrison just one last 
time, he will be happy to hear that.

I couldn't help you get better, I tried.  I hand fed you when you couldn't close 
your lower jaw and the vet didn't know what to do. We got you back to good 
health. Nothing worked this time, not medication, not homeopathic tries nothing.  
After 10 fun years I had to stop trying. One of my last acts of loves was to 
cuddle with you in the recliner and you ate one of my coconut crackers. I'm glad 
we shared that treat together. It came in packs of two, you ate one and I ate 
the other.  Find peace my wonderful canine child.

Princess has not been in here since she left to have her breakfast.  Hmm, what 
do animals know?

I see you are in pain now, I hurt with you.  My back and bottom will pay for the 
hours I've sat here since around 10am. It is all worth it for you

Midnight died today at 1:59pm. He was not alone.  I was holding his paw. I can't 
believe he is gone. No more "Mr.  Magic" for me. You're My Best Friend - Queen

I was playing Because You Loved Me by Celine Dion, silly, huh?  No more 
struggles or pain, Buddy. That is what Harrison called you.  He will miss you so 
much I can't imagine how he will feel or what he will do when I tell him. 

Well. Now I am going to get you off of this soiled bed and wipe you down so you 
will smell better and then  I will wrap you in your sister's bed.  Rest now my 
Shadow. Rest in peace.  - Mommy