Our dog Midnight is sick, very sick. Any day he may die. It seems we all either wake up each morning or come in from being away from home and hope 2 dogs greet us at the door, one of them being him of course.
We've had Midnight and his sister Princess for 10 years now, they are litter mates and have never been separated. This will be hard not only for us, but for Princess as well. I don't consider Princess as one to grieve and that will be my mistake because right now she is still the impatient dog with ADHD that she has always been. Her brother is skin and bones, can't eat and barely walks, yet she will push past him for us to pet her, knocking him down in the process. He was always the Alpha dog outside and inside always stayed where he could see all entry points into the house. In fact he still does even though it is difficult for him to get up and great you, or stop you, but, he will bark. He is the lovable black lab that does, or when he could do, the silly dog stuff like rolling on his back with sheer joy for reasons we didn't understand, steal his sisters favorite ball or do the "sad face" on your knee for you to pet him.
His face is sad now, sometimes there is that shimmer of happiness which gives us hope, but we know the end is near. I thought after all the vet visits and medication we could find the problem and fix it, sometimes you just have to let nature take its course. I don't want to, but, I will. My son is being very mature about this, you see Midnight is his dog and when he first started vomiting up his food he insisted we take him to the vet. He even had to take him by himself when we were out of town and things didn't look so good. We are letting him make the decision about how Midnight transitions out of this life. I told him he could choose when we take him to the vet or let Midnight stay at home. He wants him home, and even as we see him getting weaker and weaker, Harrison is strong in his conviction that his puppa will be at home when his time comes.
I think we will find that Midnight will go to sleep and not wake up. That is my hope. He is not in any pain and actually acts as normal as he can given his condition. With all of the snow and the freezing temperatures he still wants to go outside and stays out for quite awhile until he comes back to the door to be let inside. Now sometimes we have to find him because he looks lost, and sometimes we have to help him up the steps, but other times he walks up the steps and past us looking at us as if to say, "why are you staring at me?" and then goes and lays on the rug surveying his kingdom!
We love him, Dad, Mom Lauren and Harrison and it is hard to watch his demise. I know it is hard for Lauren since she is away at college, I bet she dreads our texts worrying that we may have to tell her about "Mr. Magic", my nickname for him. At no point will it be easy, but knowing the we loved him with all of our hearts and always want the best for him gives us comfort.
Someday soon, because he is not eating, he will not wake up from his nap. It will be a very sad day for us and many of our friends. We will remember the best times with Midnight.
I will always remember the day this summer when I took both dogs on the bike path in my convertible, top down and enjoyed a good run. We stopped at the drug store on the way home and the dogs just watched the people go into the store and made no move to jump out of the car, nor did they bark at anyone.They were enjoying the sunshine and an outing with mom.
His favorite activity was long distance running with us. He and Princess trained with Darren and I for 5k, 10k and Half Marathon runs. He even trained with Darren for a Marathon. The dogs ran 20 miles and still sprinted the last stretch to Mom happy and excited, it was a different story for Dad, but they sure had an adventure! We will be down one training partner this spring, but we have the medals from every race he trained for, they will be our memories.
Being the Mom I am I want to make him well and I know that is not possible. It is very hard to except that because I want to "fix him". He is my shadow, wherever I go he goes. Right now that is what I hold on to keep me from crying. This is only a short story of our Midnight, the black Labrador Retriever purchased at a school auction and a beloved member of our family. He just keeps hanging on, I think he loves us too.
Tuesday, January 21, 2014
Saturday, November 30, 2013
It's all too much stress, but I try to hold on to some sense of normalcy, epic failure
2 seizures loss of fluency in speech
dropped phone in washing machine, it dried out but lost calendar settings. 3 weeks with Apple to fix
dog throwing up, down to skin and bones. Lots of money at vet but no answer for sickness, dog is 10 years old. He just can't seem to keep food down.
My godfather dies the day after my 51st birthday after a struggle with illness
Basketball has started, got ball hogs that aren't team players. Son comes in frustrated after games they should have won but were out coached because he is not being given opportunities when he is open and the guards turn the ball over and ball hog is able to do what he wants. My son is frustrated. Stressful for me to listen to.
I'm sure there is more just can't remember.
On a lighter note, got to visit with my daughter on her Thanksgiving break, that always makes me happy.
Enough said.
dropped phone in washing machine, it dried out but lost calendar settings. 3 weeks with Apple to fix
dog throwing up, down to skin and bones. Lots of money at vet but no answer for sickness, dog is 10 years old. He just can't seem to keep food down.
My godfather dies the day after my 51st birthday after a struggle with illness
Basketball has started, got ball hogs that aren't team players. Son comes in frustrated after games they should have won but were out coached because he is not being given opportunities when he is open and the guards turn the ball over and ball hog is able to do what he wants. My son is frustrated. Stressful for me to listen to.
I'm sure there is more just can't remember.
On a lighter note, got to visit with my daughter on her Thanksgiving break, that always makes me happy.
Enough said.
Tuesday, November 5, 2013
What the brain will do
Major seizure Friday night. First in I don't know how long. I should have told my husband and friends that I thought the restaurant music was too loud when I was waiting in the lobby, but, I didn't and I paid for it. I actually got locked into my brain and couldn't speak for awhile. Luckily it was at bedtime and my husband was right beside me as I tried to work my way back into the world, so to speak.
Know this, it is your brain and belongs to no one else. You have to protect yourself, be polite about it but just excuse yourself from situations when you feel it is too much to process, too loud anything. No one else really knows but you. Don't try to be a "trooper" like I did, it cost me a seizure, a migraine, clear speech and driving privileges. I am already above the dosage level approved by the FDA for my anti seizure medicine so there is no increase in dosages possible. I must tell myself to learn to say no thank you, and to ask for help.
I did ask my neighbor who is a Speech Therapist to help me recover my speech, and another friend of mine is an audiologist, she will evaluate me in a few weeks to see if there are any other systems we can put in place to help me in public. I already have 3 different types of earplugs to use depending on the situation. Everyones brain is different. Mine tricks me! I do very well for months, then get knocked off my feet. Let me encourage everyone to get back up, evaluate what happened, make the adjustment and live life the best you can.
I currently have many stressful situations going on in my life, so maybe the noise just sent my brain over the edge. I will not list them all, and yes there a quite a few, I must learn how to not let them stress me because I will then have partial seizures, not stop which then makes things worse.
Today, I dropped my I Phone in the washer, it was in a Lifeproof case, but, they say it must be user error if my phone got wet while in the case. Maybe it wasn't sealed all the way, maybe I should have paid the 10 extra dollars to insure my phone. That option wasn't available when the cases came out because who wouldn't spend an extra $10 to insure a $500 phone? The better question is, if your product is so good, military grade, he kept saying, why do I need to spend $10 to insure my phone. Oh well, I hope rice works. Meanwhile, I am without my phone which has my schedule and alerts for my medicine because it is portable. Know what? If the rice doesn't work, I will just get a new phone, sync it and get one with life. Because additional stress is not what I need. And, didn't I just say we should learn how to limit our stress and take care of our brains. To quote a song I remember as a child, "the most important person in the whole wide world is you, and you hardly even know you...".
I am off to finish dinner and find a chuckle in this world of mine. Usually, I am laughing at myself. If I think about it, dropping my phone in the washer is funny, typical of me which why I bought the case, and a story to tell and laugh about later. No matter what happens.
Take care of you, only you can!
Know this, it is your brain and belongs to no one else. You have to protect yourself, be polite about it but just excuse yourself from situations when you feel it is too much to process, too loud anything. No one else really knows but you. Don't try to be a "trooper" like I did, it cost me a seizure, a migraine, clear speech and driving privileges. I am already above the dosage level approved by the FDA for my anti seizure medicine so there is no increase in dosages possible. I must tell myself to learn to say no thank you, and to ask for help.
I did ask my neighbor who is a Speech Therapist to help me recover my speech, and another friend of mine is an audiologist, she will evaluate me in a few weeks to see if there are any other systems we can put in place to help me in public. I already have 3 different types of earplugs to use depending on the situation. Everyones brain is different. Mine tricks me! I do very well for months, then get knocked off my feet. Let me encourage everyone to get back up, evaluate what happened, make the adjustment and live life the best you can.
I currently have many stressful situations going on in my life, so maybe the noise just sent my brain over the edge. I will not list them all, and yes there a quite a few, I must learn how to not let them stress me because I will then have partial seizures, not stop which then makes things worse.
Today, I dropped my I Phone in the washer, it was in a Lifeproof case, but, they say it must be user error if my phone got wet while in the case. Maybe it wasn't sealed all the way, maybe I should have paid the 10 extra dollars to insure my phone. That option wasn't available when the cases came out because who wouldn't spend an extra $10 to insure a $500 phone? The better question is, if your product is so good, military grade, he kept saying, why do I need to spend $10 to insure my phone. Oh well, I hope rice works. Meanwhile, I am without my phone which has my schedule and alerts for my medicine because it is portable. Know what? If the rice doesn't work, I will just get a new phone, sync it and get one with life. Because additional stress is not what I need. And, didn't I just say we should learn how to limit our stress and take care of our brains. To quote a song I remember as a child, "the most important person in the whole wide world is you, and you hardly even know you...".
I am off to finish dinner and find a chuckle in this world of mine. Usually, I am laughing at myself. If I think about it, dropping my phone in the washer is funny, typical of me which why I bought the case, and a story to tell and laugh about later. No matter what happens.
Take care of you, only you can!
Wednesday, October 2, 2013
Broken Heart
My sister-in-law's best friend was murdered 12 years ago. I didn't live at home when this happened, no did I know my brother's wife that well.
Finally justice was served and the felon was convicted to 20 years, let's not talk about plea bargains!
I get a call from Stacy asking if I would listen to what she was going to read during the victims statement segment of the hearing. I was at a friend's house so I moved away from my friends to take her call, family is important and I figured she needed to talk. Her letter made me cry. I don't like crying, let alone in someone elses' house where they can see and hear me. Stacy and I talked about the letter and that the criminal should hear how much grief he caused in her life, and the fact that her children never knew their godmother. They were too young when she was murdered. A hit was put out on her by her husband's ex girlfriend. Ex before his marriage in all fairness to him.
When the time came to read the beautiful letter, she couldn't read the part about what silly things she and her friend would do together. She only told of the person he took away from her. She called to tell me this and I knew she was looking for validation that it was okay, She really didn't want him to know the fun parts of their friendship, didn't think he deserved it. I'm not so sure. I think he should have heard about the fun these two teenagers/young adults had together. He took orders from someone else to kill her, he didn't even know her, so yes, I think it's time you got to know her so you can think her from time to time when you are in prison for the crime you committed.
I was straightforward with my opinion when Stacy asked, but, I was also sympathetic. Sometimes I don't understand what people want me to say, and I think that's a good thing, because then I say what should be said because there is no filter on my brain. I am not mean, I think sometimes my statements are like a little kid who says what they are observing not knowing the adults are trying to avoid say there is a pink elephant in the room.
Maybe, even though I continue to be told I'm not quite right( and all the pills I take validates that) I am just what the doctor ordered.
Finally justice was served and the felon was convicted to 20 years, let's not talk about plea bargains!
I get a call from Stacy asking if I would listen to what she was going to read during the victims statement segment of the hearing. I was at a friend's house so I moved away from my friends to take her call, family is important and I figured she needed to talk. Her letter made me cry. I don't like crying, let alone in someone elses' house where they can see and hear me. Stacy and I talked about the letter and that the criminal should hear how much grief he caused in her life, and the fact that her children never knew their godmother. They were too young when she was murdered. A hit was put out on her by her husband's ex girlfriend. Ex before his marriage in all fairness to him.
When the time came to read the beautiful letter, she couldn't read the part about what silly things she and her friend would do together. She only told of the person he took away from her. She called to tell me this and I knew she was looking for validation that it was okay, She really didn't want him to know the fun parts of their friendship, didn't think he deserved it. I'm not so sure. I think he should have heard about the fun these two teenagers/young adults had together. He took orders from someone else to kill her, he didn't even know her, so yes, I think it's time you got to know her so you can think her from time to time when you are in prison for the crime you committed.
I was straightforward with my opinion when Stacy asked, but, I was also sympathetic. Sometimes I don't understand what people want me to say, and I think that's a good thing, because then I say what should be said because there is no filter on my brain. I am not mean, I think sometimes my statements are like a little kid who says what they are observing not knowing the adults are trying to avoid say there is a pink elephant in the room.
Maybe, even though I continue to be told I'm not quite right( and all the pills I take validates that) I am just what the doctor ordered.
Wounded Warrior
My son had thousands of post it notes placed all over his car two weekends ago by girls doing that silly teenager thing. Taking them off left adhesive from every note. Getting off left streaks in the paint of the car.
Angry yes! Very much so.
As I was trying the different waxes that I had available I thought of a friend whose husband details his cars so they look like knew every week. I called to asked for advice and he said he would be happy to help get the adhesive off right then. She mentioned her son, who was home from Afganistan because an IED hit his Humvee was dropping by, I said maybe another time would be better. "No, come now", she said. It wouldn't be a problem. It is only a 5 minute drive and he was there when we arrived.
Here is were things work the way they should. You see Mark was home because when his Humvee was hit he suffered a Traumatic Brain Injury, that's what the military calls them. When he opened the door there he stood in his dark glasses, he is light sensitive, in I walk in my dark glasses because I too am light sensitive, and thus we meet.
I spent the next two hours or so talking to him about the accident, thankfully no one was killed, therapy and life. I was able to help him speak his frustrations and actually understand and sympathize. Complain about therapy and wish that people understood just because we look normal and can speak, for the most part, normally, we are struggling. I gave him suggestions on how to cope with noise etc. The interesting thing was when I mentioned earplugs he had been looking at buying the purple ones you can buy at drugstores but just didn't do it. When I told him the benefits of having them on hand he understood and said he would probably buy them. I think I will drop some off at his mother's house for him! I mentioned that I had the military issued earplugs from my audiologist, he said "yeah, they issued those to use but we never wear them." When I explained when and why I would wear mine, and how I appreciated the audiologist giving me a pair, his attitude towards them changed. I told him to get his standard issue earplugs out and start wearing then in noisy situations and he may not get headaches in noisy situations because he will be dimming the noise level.
There's more, but, I waited two weeks after the fact to post this.
So from anger, the adhesive stuck all over the paint of my son's car, something positive came. I don't know if I would have ever met Mark, let alone have a one on one conversation with him and give him hope. I am open to talking about my life, my accident, the way I compensate just to live daily for my on healing, and if it will help someone else think differently about their situation and work harder to heal.
I helped someone who put his life on the line for our country that day. A Wounded Warrior. I was very proud to have contributed to his recovery and he knows how to find me just to talk if he wants to talk about his continued recovery.
Life has a way of putting you in the path of someone that needs you, don't move out of the way!
Angry yes! Very much so.
As I was trying the different waxes that I had available I thought of a friend whose husband details his cars so they look like knew every week. I called to asked for advice and he said he would be happy to help get the adhesive off right then. She mentioned her son, who was home from Afganistan because an IED hit his Humvee was dropping by, I said maybe another time would be better. "No, come now", she said. It wouldn't be a problem. It is only a 5 minute drive and he was there when we arrived.
Here is were things work the way they should. You see Mark was home because when his Humvee was hit he suffered a Traumatic Brain Injury, that's what the military calls them. When he opened the door there he stood in his dark glasses, he is light sensitive, in I walk in my dark glasses because I too am light sensitive, and thus we meet.
I spent the next two hours or so talking to him about the accident, thankfully no one was killed, therapy and life. I was able to help him speak his frustrations and actually understand and sympathize. Complain about therapy and wish that people understood just because we look normal and can speak, for the most part, normally, we are struggling. I gave him suggestions on how to cope with noise etc. The interesting thing was when I mentioned earplugs he had been looking at buying the purple ones you can buy at drugstores but just didn't do it. When I told him the benefits of having them on hand he understood and said he would probably buy them. I think I will drop some off at his mother's house for him! I mentioned that I had the military issued earplugs from my audiologist, he said "yeah, they issued those to use but we never wear them." When I explained when and why I would wear mine, and how I appreciated the audiologist giving me a pair, his attitude towards them changed. I told him to get his standard issue earplugs out and start wearing then in noisy situations and he may not get headaches in noisy situations because he will be dimming the noise level.
There's more, but, I waited two weeks after the fact to post this.
So from anger, the adhesive stuck all over the paint of my son's car, something positive came. I don't know if I would have ever met Mark, let alone have a one on one conversation with him and give him hope. I am open to talking about my life, my accident, the way I compensate just to live daily for my on healing, and if it will help someone else think differently about their situation and work harder to heal.
I helped someone who put his life on the line for our country that day. A Wounded Warrior. I was very proud to have contributed to his recovery and he knows how to find me just to talk if he wants to talk about his continued recovery.
Life has a way of putting you in the path of someone that needs you, don't move out of the way!
Wednesday, September 11, 2013
9/11, to my friend who survived
I had a college friend with whom i travelled through Europe; she ran down the stairs of one of the twin towers to save her life. We lost touch that day after i found out she was safe and it was many years before we spoke to each other again. from 2001-2013.of courseChristmas cards were exchanged. i decided on New Years day 2013 we would speak to each other again, I found her at her mother's house and we began to build our relationship back. and so we have. i wanted to share my text i sent to her this morning on this day i know is very difficult for her.
We both have travelled difficult journeys, life threatening yet different for both of us. I wish I could have, and could be there for you as you heal and must be reminded on days like today of the hardest and scariest fight for your life. Daily I am reminded of mine. There are no words anyone can say to change memories. I stand with you because I know from being your friend and traveling in Europe with you, that you are one tough "cookie". Your word not mine. :). We may have lost touch for awhile but I stand with you and will walk with you through anything because you know I care for you. You have to hold my hand no matter what, because my balance is horrible and I stumble and sometimes fall. ;). But I get back up again and continue my journey just like you do with yours. I send my love today and every day.
Our Friendship is important to me and she texted back how happy she was that we reconnected and that my words meant a lot to her. Today was a day when I felt words should be personal to each survivor of that horrible day. Speak to someone about their personnel struggle not just with cliches. They've heard them for the past 12 years.
I missed my friend, she is a survivor like me and we will walk together through life supporting each other from now on.
We both have travelled difficult journeys, life threatening yet different for both of us. I wish I could have, and could be there for you as you heal and must be reminded on days like today of the hardest and scariest fight for your life. Daily I am reminded of mine. There are no words anyone can say to change memories. I stand with you because I know from being your friend and traveling in Europe with you, that you are one tough "cookie". Your word not mine. :). We may have lost touch for awhile but I stand with you and will walk with you through anything because you know I care for you. You have to hold my hand no matter what, because my balance is horrible and I stumble and sometimes fall. ;). But I get back up again and continue my journey just like you do with yours. I send my love today and every day.
Our Friendship is important to me and she texted back how happy she was that we reconnected and that my words meant a lot to her. Today was a day when I felt words should be personal to each survivor of that horrible day. Speak to someone about their personnel struggle not just with cliches. They've heard them for the past 12 years.
I missed my friend, she is a survivor like me and we will walk together through life supporting each other from now on.
Sunday, September 1, 2013
Too many people riding bikes without helmets
Everyday in my day to day life I see so many people riding bikes without helmets. I just want to stop them and tell my story. I run to help my brain and for enjoyment. What you see is this woman running, what you don't know is the infernal work that goes on just for me to be on that running path. The headaches, off balance, being startled by bikers who don't have the common courtsy to tell you they are "coming in the left". And yes the riders who are in clubs do have helmets on, the recreation bikers do not. I want to stop them and tell them my story and tell them I had a helmet on! I don't think the will listen. I have neighbors who know what happened to me and they even helped my family, they still allow their kids to ride without helmets!
People, we cannot avoid #accidents, but we can help ourselves by using the safety equipment made available to us to help keep us save! I should know a simple helmet saved my life. I don't know where this post was supposed to go but I ran six miles yesterday and ended it with a headache and off balance. The tempuature was 88 degrees. I had to make sure my feet and shoulders were lined up correctly as I ran, which gave me a headache and the run wasn't mindless like they used to be. But I did it. Wear a helmet, wear the safety equipment for your sport, you are not cool if you don't, you are an accident waiting to happen. And I hope you can recover from it, or that you are still alive. Pretty dark way to end a post but the truth my save your life. I don't edit my own work vey well because of my limitations but I think you get my point. Enjoy life but do it safely.
Now I hope I can find this blog again when I have something to say.
People, we cannot avoid #accidents, but we can help ourselves by using the safety equipment made available to us to help keep us save! I should know a simple helmet saved my life. I don't know where this post was supposed to go but I ran six miles yesterday and ended it with a headache and off balance. The tempuature was 88 degrees. I had to make sure my feet and shoulders were lined up correctly as I ran, which gave me a headache and the run wasn't mindless like they used to be. But I did it. Wear a helmet, wear the safety equipment for your sport, you are not cool if you don't, you are an accident waiting to happen. And I hope you can recover from it, or that you are still alive. Pretty dark way to end a post but the truth my save your life. I don't edit my own work vey well because of my limitations but I think you get my point. Enjoy life but do it safely.
Now I hope I can find this blog again when I have something to say.
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